How to Continue Living
by Contrail
Summary: What if Juvia's anti-magic poisoning when she defeated Keith had had serious consequences? Her magic gone, she must struggle to find a new place within Fairy Tail and a new direction for her life, while Gray deals with his own feelings about what happened. [Gruvia, diverges after Chapter 397]
1. Chapter 1

**How to Continue Living**  
**Chapter 1**  
by Contrail

**Disclaimer:** Fairy Tail belongs to Hiro Mashima, and is being used without permission. No profit is being made from this story.

**Note:** This story diverges from the Fairy Tail manga after chapter 397, with Juvia not waking up after Torafusa's black water disperses. (Thus Juvia doesn't know about the dragons being released from the dragon slayers, since she was not awake to witness that.) Nothing else significant differs until the events of this chapter, which takes place after chapter 415.

* * *

Juvia woke up slowly, sensation returning to her as if she'd been swallowed by a dark tide that was only now receding. Her whole body ached and she felt incredibly drained. Her magical reserves, too, felt empty, drained until there was nothing left but the dregs. That was strange - they should've at least recovered a little if she'd been out for a decent length of time, and the softness she felt underneath her told her that she'd been unconscious long enough to be taken somewhere for her to recover. Casting back to figure out how she'd gotten hurt, memories flashed through her mind of Tartarus' attack on the guild, fighting her way through their headquarters, and finally of Gray, his father, and Keith, and what she'd had to do to defeat him. All she could recall after that were fuzzy memories of Lucy comforting her and severe pain wracking her body. What had happened after that? Had they won?

Her eyes snapped open and she started to try to sit up, stifling a groan when her body started telling her in no uncertain terms how bad of an idea that had been. A sharp voice to her left said, "Quit that! You're not well enough to be sitting up so quickly, so don't be a fool and just lay back down." She quickly complied, and turned to look at the source of the voice. As she expected, it was Porlyusica standing there with a stern expression on her face. That meant Juvia was probably in her home, which she'd never had the chance to see before.

"Is everyone okay? Was Tartarus stopped? How long was Juvia sleeping for?" The questions poured out of her, her worried state clear in her voice as she spoke.

Porlyusica made an irritated noise in the back of her throat and cut Juvia off before she could ask anything else. "Damn noisy humans, won't give you time to answer one question before asking more."

"Sorry," she mumbled, looking away chastened.

With a hmph, Porlyusica continued, "You were out for a few days. All your guildmates managed to keep themselves in more or less one piece. And Tartarus managed to activate Face, but the dragons managed to destroy the bombs before they could do too much damage."

She blinked at the healer's words. Dragons…? Was she talking about the dragon slayers' dragons…? But then something else Porlyusica said sunk in and her heart fell. So, all the things she'd done, and Tartarus had still managed to activate Face anyway… She'd hurt Gray-sama for nothing.

Porlyusica's voice broke her out of her dark thoughts. "You've probably noticed that you don't have the magical energy to draw on that you're used to." Juvia looked up at Porlyusica and nodded, her brows drawing together anxiously, a feeling that was not at all eased by the almost sympathetic look Porlyusica was giving her. "That's because those particles you were poisoned with damaged your ability to store eternano. Effectively, you are no longer a mage."

Juvia's jaw dropped. "What- How- Did the others…?"

She shook her head. "The others absorbed the particles through their skin and lungs, which then spread through their bloodstream, damaging much of their bodies but at a slow rate. And the antidote I made for them used the blood of the demon who created the particles that afflicted them. You, on the other had, managed to absorb the particles directly into your body - and I wonder what sort of foolhardy stunt you pulled to manage _that_ \- and they ended up clustered around the largest concentrations magic in your body - your magic containers. Add in the antidote being less effective on you because you were poisoned by a different source, and it's lucky that you survived. Even Wendy's magic couldn't fix the damage that was done to you."

"Juvia-" she had to swallow a lump that formed in her throat- "Juvia sees."

"Makarov asked to be informed when you regained consciousness," Porlyusica stated as she turned away, presumably to perform that task.

"Does… Does the rest of Fairy Tail know that…?" she asked hesitantly.

Pausing, Porlyusica simply replied, "Yes," before continuing on her way.

Well, at least she wasn't going to have to break the news to the others. She wouldn't have known what to say. Juvia sighed. It was ironic, at one point she would have gladly given up her magic if it had meant that the rain would end as well. But now losing her magic meant that she might lose the only place she's ever really felt at home, too. Without magic, she couldn't go on jobs or fight to protect those she cared about. Did it even make sense for her to try to stay in a mage guild like Fairy Tail, now that she was no longer a mage? Or would she just be a burden on them? …Maybe this was her punishment, for what she'd done to Gray-sama and Father. Maybe she didn't deserve to be a Fairy Tail mage anymore, or a mage at all.

Those kinds of sad thoughts were still chasing themselves around her mind when knocking was heard at Porlyusica's door. As the healer answered the door, Juvia gradually pushed herself up into a sitting position with some effort. Porlyusica stepped out of the hut, and the diminutive Master of Fairy Tail entered in her place, closing the door behind him to give them privacy. Making his way over to her bed, Makarov hopped up to sit next to Juvia, placing them at close to each other's eye level. "How are you feeling, child?" he asked as he gently patted one of her hands.

"Juvia's feeling weak but okay, other than…" Makarov gave her a sympathetic look as her voice trailed off. Taking a deep breath, she then proceeded to say, "She would like to thank Master for taking her in, and everything he's done for Juvia in her time as a Fairy Tail mage."

He frowned at her. "You make it sound like you're leaving the guild."

She looked down sadly. "Shouldn't Juvia leave? She isn't a mage anymore, she'll just be a burden on everyone…"

Makarov shook his head at her firmly. "While we won't keep you if you truly wish to leave, you shouldn't quit the guild just because you think you should. You wouldn't be the first member of this guild not to have magic of their own, and every one of them has been able to contribute in their own ways. One of them even managed to reach S-Class. And even if you weren't able to contribute, this guild would never leave you behind. You're part of our family now, and family takes care of each other."

By the end tears were leaking from Juvia's eyes, she was so touched by Makarov's words. "Thank you, Master. Juvia will keep your words in mind." She still wasn't sure she deserved to remain in Fairy Tail, but she was very glad that there would still be a place for her there if she wanted it.

"Good. But I should get going. Porlyusica said that you shouldn't be tired out too much, and there's others who want to visit you." He patted her hand again and then got up to make his way to the door. As he put his hand on the door knob, Makarov turned back to look at her, a slightly sly smile on his face. "I'll be sending in someone who is eager to see you, and I'm sure you want to see him, too."

Juvia frowned at Makarov's words, wondering who he meant. But she didn't have long to wonder, for a few short moments later a slightly hesitant looking Gray let himself into the cottage. Her heart fluttered a little at the thought that Gray wanted to see her, only to sink as she recalled that he probably had no idea what she'd done. She looked away as Gray settled himself on the edge of her bed next to her.

For a few moments, they sat together in awkward silence, neither one willing to break it. Juvia knew she should tell him about what happened, beg for his forgiveness, but she couldn't find the words. Finally, Gray cleared his throat, breaking the silence, before asking, "So, um, how're you feeling?"

Fiddling with her fingers in her lap and still not looking at him, she quietly replied, "Juvia is fine."

Gray let out a light scoff at that. Juvia snuck a quick glance at him only to find him frowning at her. "You don't have to pretend to be okay, y'know. Anyone'd be upset about what happened to you."

She sighed, biting her lip before confessing to him, "…Maybe Juvia deserves what happened to her."

Juvia felt him stiffen beside her. "What kinda crazy talk is that," he said flatly as he grasped her shoulders, trying to make her meet his eyes.

But she kept her face turned away from him as she began to explain. "Juvia- Juvia killed Father. He contacted her, during the fighting, and told her that she needed to defeat the necromancer. If she stopped him, he wouldn't be able to use the chairman to activate Face. But she knew that if she defeated the necromancer, then Father would die, too. And she did it anyway, even knowing how much it would hurt Gray-sama to lose Father again. She did it, and she didn't even manage to stop Face in the process. She _deserves_ having lost-"

"Juvia, _stop_," Gray commanded her as he gave her a small shake, finally breaking out of the stunned silence he'd been in since she started her explanation. She looked up at him, her renewed tears running down her face, as he glared down at her. "You're wrong," he told her forcefully. "My dad wanted to die. He wanted to be with my mom again. _You_ gave that to him, when I couldn't bring myself to. And you may not have been able to stop Face, but without the powers I got from my dad, both Natsu and I probably would've died. So don't say stupid shit like you deserved to lose your magic."

She just gaped at him for a moment. She hadn't expected him to react like that at all. "Gray-sama… forgives Juvia?"

"No, because there isn't anything for me to forgive. You did great. I'm just sorry that you had to go through all that."

Juvia leaned forward, resting her forehead on his shoulder as tears continued to fall from her eyes. "But… Gray-sama… Father…"

She heard him sigh as he wrapped one arm around her waist and started stroking her hair with his other hand. "He'd been around long after he should've been dead. He would've been gone soon anyway, one way or another." But as much as he tried to keep his voice steady, she could hear the subtle undercurrent of pain beneath those words. Wrapping her arms around his waist and burying her face in the crook of his neck, she cried harder. She wasn't sure if she was crying for him and what he'd lost, for herself and what she'd gone through, or both. But cry she did for a long while, as he held her close.

* * *

Well, that was rather heavy. And the rest of the fic is likely to continue in a similar vein, not that it won't have the occasional lighter moment though. Oh, and just so we're clear, Juvia won't ever regain her magic in this fic. Seeing how she deals with losing it is the point of the story.

Please review and let me know what you thought of this! :^)


	2. Chapter 2

**How to Continue Living**  
**Chapter 2**  
by Contrail

**Disclaimer:** Fairy Tail belongs to Hiro Mashima, and is being used without permission. No profit is being made from this story.

* * *

After Gray left, Gajeel was the next one to visit. He strode right into Porlyusica's hut, his eyes scanning up and down her form, and bluntly said, "You look like shit."

"Gee, thanks, Gajeel-kun. You really know how to make a girl feel better," she said drily.

"I try," he replied modestly. Then his brows drew down into a scowl. "You really gave us a scare there for a bit, y'know? You better not pull a stunt like that again."

She gave him a lop-sided smile, tinged with sadness. "Juvia doesn't think you have to worry about that." She couldn't repeat what she'd done in that fight again even if she wanted to.

Gajeel snorted at that. "Like losing your magic'll keep you out of trouble. If it's to help someone you care about, you'll fling yourself into headlong into danger without thinking of yourself, you crazy woman."

She winced a little when he spoke so bluntly about what she now lacked, but at the same time she was glad he wasn't dancing around the issue. Not that he was the kind to do so in the first place, but while the loss was still raw and painful, she didn't want it to be a taboo topic around her, either. "Juvia will try to keep her new… limitations in mind." She knew he was probably right about what she'd do if push came to shove, though.

He nodded in apparent satisfaction. They shared a moment of comfortable silence before Juvia tentatively started asking, "Gajeel-kun, Porlyusica-san told me that the dragons reappeared to destroy Face…" He made a quiet grunt in response that didn't sound particularly happy but wasn't really hostile, either, so she took it as permission to continue. "Did you and Metalicana-san get to…?"

"Yeah," he said heavily, looking down at the floor. "We all got to meet 'em again. But they couldn't stay, they all ended up vanishing again, this time for good."

"Gajeel-kun…" was all she could manage in reply, her voice laden with sympathy. Why were those she cared about given these opportunities to reunite with those they loved, only to have them ripped away again so quickly?

He shook his head gruffly. "It doesn't matter. I never liked him anyway." She frowned, knowing her friend wasn't being honest with himself. Dismissing the topic, he looked back up at her. "You just worry about resting up. Don't want to be stuck in here with the old hag longer than you've gotta be, do ya?"

She gave him a chiding look. "Be nice, Gajeel-kun, Porlyusica-san doesn't have to help us… And Juvia promises she'll get plenty of rest."

Ignoring her admonition, he nodded at her. "Guess I'll be going, then. See you later."

Once Gajeel had departed, Porlyusica told her she'd had enough visitors for the time being. Juvia had to admit she was feeling exhaustion setting back in, now that the excitement of receiving visitors was fading. With a yawn, she curled up under the covers and quickly fell asleep.

Over the next couple of days, as she recovered her strength and Porlyusica kept an eye on her to make sure there wasn't any unexpected complications, a number of other members of Fairy Tail came to visit her, including a relieved Lucy (without Natsu or Happy in tow, unusually enough), an awkwardly sympathetic Erza, and a brash as ever Cana, who offered to take her out to drown her sorrows if she wanted to once she could get out of bed, much to Porlyusica's displeasure. She was glad for the visits, tiring though they could be, for they were the only distractions she had from her own thoughts… and the aching emptiness inside her where her magic once was.

The reality of what had happened her had continued to sink in over time. She'd never be able to bend water to her will again, or become one with the sea. She'd never get to accompany her Gray-sama on jobs again, or fight by his side, or join her magic with his the way they did when they defeated Lyon and Chelia in the Grand Magic Games. Nor would she be able to work with any of her other friends, either. She'd worked hard since she was a child to master her magical abilities, in hopes those skills would be a way for her to find acceptance and enable her to take care of herself. They hadn't been the key to being accepted that she'd hoped, and she'd discovered that there were far more important things than being a strong mage, but the loss of those years of effort, as well as the only way she'd ever supported herself, still stung.

Everyone had reminded her that Fairy Tail wouldn't abandon her, and she was grateful for their support, but a mage who can't work was useless, a burden, and she didn't want the guild to pay for her living expenses out of pity, or give her some sort of make-work job to justify keeping her around. Admittedly, the guild could always use more waitresses - they had trouble keeping them around for some reason - but she'd taken enough missions to help out at 8-island that she knew that, while she was willing enough to take on the occasional job of the sort to help pay her rent, it wasn't something she'd be comfortable doing long term. Plus, she'd be stuck watching everyone else leave for missions, and have to welcome them back with a smile…

When he'd spoken with her, Master had reminded her that it wasn't impossible for someone without magic to do jobs for a mage guild. Mystogan had even managed to reach S-Class. But she would have to amass an arsenal of powerful magical tools to do so, and ones that were self-powered, instead of drawing on their wielder's magic, were particularly rare. Mystogan had probably only managed as well as he had by bringing items into Earthland from Edolas. And even if she managed to get her hands on a good set of tools, it would take a lot of time and training for her to become proficient enough with them to take on decently paying jobs. It was daunting even to think about. And it'd never be the same as having her own magic back, anyway.

She really didn't know what she was going to do with herself once she was well enough to leave Porlyusica's home, or what she even _could_ do. The way she could feel the void where her magic power had once resided, a constant reminder of what she'd lost, didn't help her mood at all. But then, who _wouldn't_ despair at having something that had been a part of them since they were a child ripped away from them?

By the morning of the second day since she first woke up without her magic, though, Porlyusica had apparently had enough of her wallowing in self-pity. After a quiet and unresponsive Juvia had submitted to her examination, she sighed and remarked, "Losing your magic isn't the end of the world, you know. Plenty of people in this world survive, and even thrive, without magic of their own. And there are even places like where I'm from, where no one can use magic naturally at all."

Juvia was prepared to retort that there was a difference between never having had magic, and having magic and then losing it, but the last thing Porlyusica said caught her attention. "…Eh? Where does Porlyusica-san come from, that no one is born with magic?"

"You remember hearing about Edolas, don't you? The world that Magnolia got sucked up into for a time?" Juvia nodded in response, a look of dawning comprehension in her eyes. "Well, the same thing happened to me in reverse a long time ago. By the time a way for me to go back was found, I'd decided that I'd rather stay here."

"Juvia sees…" She was a little curious as to why Porlyusica had decided to stay here instead of going back, particularly since Porlyusica didn't seem to actually _like_ any of the people who lived in this world, but she doubted that Porlyusica would answer such a question if she asked. She also felt a little bad about mourning the loss of her magic in front of someone who'd never had any in the first place. Instead, she looked around Porlyusica's home, taking in the various herbs and potions stored everywhere with a considering eye. "…So everything that Porlyusica-san does can be accomplished without her needing to have magic of her own?"

"Yes. All of the recorded forms of healing magic are Lost Magic, known to few if any living mages." Juvia slowly nodded. She'd known that genuine healing magic was quite rare, but not that it was truly _that_ rare. "So, with a few exceptions such as that Wendy girl, non-mages can doctor just as well as mages can."

Juvia settled back against the pillows on her bed, looking up at the ceiling as gears slowly started turning in her head. While she wasn't sure how old Porlyusica was exactly, she knew the woman was getting on in years, being a contemporary of Master Makarov and not having lost seven years like those who'd gone to Tenrou Island had. Porlyusica wasn't exactly on death's doorstep, but she'd be gone sooner or later, and there wasn't anyone in the guild with the same skills. Wendy's healing magic was powerful, but it had its limits, and what would happen if someone returned to the guild badly injured and Wendy was out on a mission or too exhausted to help? No, it would be better if there was someone in the guild with knowledge of healing who wouldn't - or couldn't - go on missions.

…And maybe she could be that someone. Juvia had never really given the idea of learning medicine much thought as a child - she'd been focused on learning how to master her magic, at first in hopes to find a way to stop the rain that followed her, later in hopes of winning acceptance despite it. But as she considered it as a potential path now, she found it held some appeal. She might not be able able to fight beside her friends and help them on missions, but she'd be able to aid them afterwards. And it would be a way for her to take care of Gray, like his father had asked her to.

It wouldn't be easy to learn everything she'd need to know, of course - it'd take a lot of time and effort on her part, probably years of it. But she thought that she'd be capable of it - she might not be the kind of genius Levy was, but she'd always been good at learning and remembering things. And she was certain that Porlyusica wouldn't be a pleasant teacher to have - assuming Juvia could convince her to teach her at all - but at least she'd have the comfort of knowing that any animosity on Porlyusica's part wasn't personal - she just didn't like people in general.

As the day wore on, Juvia continued to consider her options in between the occasional visits by guildmates. By that evening, she had come to a decision. After helping her eat dinner, Porlyusica examined her again. "Looks like you'll be well enough to leave here in the morning. Not a moment too soon, if you ask me."

Not a very encouraging statement, but Juvia took a deep breath, gathering her courage to make a request anyway. If it was refused, she'd just have to find another way to reach the goal she'd set, or at least that's what she told herself. "Porlyusica-san," she started, her voice polite and her face set into a serious expression, "would you be willing to teach Juvia all of the knowledge of healing that you possess? She doesn't know how she'd be able to repay you for such a kindness, but she'd be willing to do anything within reason to do so."

Porlyusica gave her a long, scrutinizing look, not yet deigning to respond to her question. Juvia tried not to fidget nervously, and looked down at her hands that were clasped in her lap. "Why?" she finally asked.

Still looking down at her lap, she replied, "Because Juvia can't do jobs as a mage anymore, so she needs to find something else to do, to make a living and contribute to the guild. And she thinks that being able to help her guildmates with medical matters would be a good way for her to do so." She looked up once she'd finished, letting Porlyusica see how serious her intent was behind her nervousness.

The older woman nodded. "I've never taught anyone before, so I don't know how well I'll be able to do it. And I won't be going easy on you - there's a lot of things you'll have to study and practice before I'll even think about letting you loose on an actual patient. It'll probably take years for your skills to get to an acceptable level."

"Juvia understands," she replied, continuing to look the other woman in the eye.

Porlyusica gave her a somewhat skeptical look, as if doubtful that she _really_ understood, but continued on anyway. "If I'm going to agree to this, you'll have to promise you'll stick with it. I'm not going to waste my time showing you things only for you to decide you're bored or it's too hard a few months down the line."

She gave a short nod, her mouth set in a determined line. "Juvia has considered her options over the past couple of days, and this is the path she wishes to take. She doesn't give up easily on goals she wants to achieve, either."

"I'm sure I'll end up regretting this," Porlyusica stated with a sigh, "but since you seem to have determination and willingness to work, I guess I'll show you what I can of the healer's arts."

Juvia gave her a wide, grateful smile and clapped her hands together happily. "Thank you so much, Porlyusica-sensei! Juvia won't let you down as a student."

Porlyusica, who looked like she might be regretting the arrangement already, simply nodded in response.

* * *

I'm very sorry that it's taken me over six months to update this! I've been kind of busy, and also distracted. I'll try not to take so long with the next chapter.

As you might be able to tell from the previous chapter (written before chapter 416 came out), I really wasn't expecting Makarov to disband the guild. ^^;; Obviously, Fairy Tail won't be disbanding in this story, but I'll do my best to work in other recent developments. Ironically, before starting this story I'd thought about developing my initial concept in a different direction, one that would've worked well with the whole Fairy Tail disbanding thing. I'm planning to write either a one-shot or a shorted multi-chapter fic going down that alternate path, so please keep an eye out for it if you think you'd find it interesting. :^)

Thanks to every one who's reviewed, favorited, and/or followed this story! :^)


	3. Chapter 3

**How to Continue Living**  
**Chapter 3**  
by Contrail

**Disclaimer:** Fairy Tail belongs to Hiro Mashima, and is being used without permission. No profit is being made from this story.

* * *

Gray supposed he should feel something, watching the dragons vanish after they promised to watch over mankind, but most he just felt tired, the kind of tiredness you feel deep in your bones. He'd been through so much over the past couple of days. As he watched the crowd that had gathered to see the dragons start to disperse, though, he started to frown. He couldn't see Juvia anywhere. She'd been passed out from that demonic black water the last time he'd seen her, but everyone else had recovered from that just fine. Worry began to coldly trickle into his thoughts. Had something worse happened to her during the fighting?

Scanning through the crowd, he spotted Gajeel still staring up at the sky where the dragons had disappeared. Recalling that Gajeel had been one of those with Juvia the last time he'd seen her, he strode over to the other man. Once there, he asked without preamble, "Where's Juvia?"

"Porlyusica's," Gajeel answered shortly. "She took down one of those bastards, but got poisoned in the process, like Laxus and his crew."

Well, that did nothing to quell his worries. Porlyusica should have been able to make the antidote by now, but still… He wouldn't be satisfied until he saw that she was okay with his own eyes.

Wendy, who'd been standing nearby, diffidently chimed in, "I was going to where Porlyusica-san's taking care of the wounded, to see if I could be of any help. You could come along, Gray-san, if you're worried about how Juvia-san is doing."

"Sounds good. Let's go." Wendy lead the way, Charle nestled in her arms, with Gray and, after he spoke briefly with Levy, Gajeel trailing after. A large tent had been set up not too far from where Plutogrim had crashed, as temporary shelter for those wounded in the fight with Tartarus. Doctors from the city's hospital were working to help injured civilians in there while Porlyusica was in charge of treating the members of Fairy Tail who'd been hurt.

When they reached the medical tent, Wendy told him and Gajeel that they'd have to wait outside before ducking into the tent. Gray stared after her for several moments before starting to pace back and forth, impatiently waiting for Wendy to come back with news. As tired as he was, he didn't think he could calm down until he knew Juvia would recover just fine. Ignoring him, Gajeel stood facing the tent, seemingly lost in his own thoughts.

When Wendy finally emerged from the medical tent once more, he could tell by the distressed look on her face that whatever news she had wasn't good. "I'm sorry, Gray-san. The anti-magic particles ended up concentrating in some of her organs, and she's not responding as well to the antidote as the others. If the poison isn't neutralized before it causes too much damage, Juvia-san might not…" She had to pause to steady her voice before continuing, "She might not make it…"

The world seemed to just… stop when he realized what Wendy was saying. No. **No.** **_No._** Juvia _couldn't_ die, not now. He'd just lost his dad again, he couldn't lose _her_, too. She wasn't allowed to die. He wouldn't let her. When he started becoming aware of things outside his own panicked thoughts again, Wendy was saying apologetically, "…did everything I could to help, so don't lose hope…!"

Gray managed to pull himself together enough to reach out and put a hand on top of Wendy's head. "I'm sure you did," he told her, trying to be reassuring though he wasn't sure how well he managed it. "Is Porlyusica going to continue treating her here, or…?" He was doing his best to keep up a mask of outward calm, even though he was anything but on the inside. He had to keep in control of himself enough to do what he could to help her.

Wendy shook her head. "Laxus-san, Yajima-san, and the others are going to be moved to the hospital, they just need to rest and recover, while Porlyusica-san wants to take Juvia-san back to her cottage with her. She'll better be able to do what she can for Juvia-san there."

"Then let's help get her there." Without further ado, he pushed the flap aside and stepped into the tent. Looking around, it was obvious the medical personnel were in the middle of transferring those who needed longer term care elsewhere. Porlyusica's domain was located in one of the corners of the tent, and it appeared that Laxus and most of the Thunder God Tribe had already been carried out.

Juvia was laid out on a stretcher, her skin pale and sweaty, her features lined with pain even while unconscious. His heart clenched painfully in his chest at the sight of her in such a state. Taking notice of him, Porlyusica uttered a snappish, "What do you want, boy? Can't you see I'm busy?!"

Ignoring her rudeness, he stated, "I'll help carry Juvia."

Gajeel stepped forward from behind him, giving Gray a brief sideways glare as he corrected him. "_We'll_ help carry her, Stripper."

Gray didn't bother responding as he watched Porlyusica consider them briefly before sighing. "Fine, help if you want. Make sure to keep her as steady as you can."

Soon a small procession was wending its way through the ruined streets of Magnolia. Porlyusica lead the way, chastising them whenever she thought they were jostling the stretcher too much. Gray had ahold of the front half while Gajeel brought up the rear. Wendy and Charle trailed along behind them, apparently determined to keep offering what help they could even though Wendy must have already been exhausted.

The trip to Porlyusica's hut felt longer than it ever had, and every step of the way he feared that he might hear Juvia's breathing falter and cease. Opening the door, Porlyusica gestured towards where they should place her. Setting the stretcher down, they moved her to the indicated bed as carefully as they could. Once she was settled, Gray stared down at her as if he could force her to get better through sheer force of will.

Porlyusica impatiently shoved him to one side as she got to work again. "Leave," she ordered bluntly. "You'll just get in the way."

"But…" he said weakly, his eyes returning to Juvia's form. He didn't want to leave her, particularly not if she was really going to…

"Go," Porlyusica reiterated, her eyes not leaving the patient before her.

"C'mon, Stripper, she's right." Gajeel grabbed one of his arms and started dragging him away. Glancing up in irritation at the other man, he could tell from his expression that Gajeel didn't like leaving Juvia anymore than he did. Pulling his arm free from Gajeel's grip, he left the cottage under his own power, Gajeel and (a little surprisingly) Wendy following him.

The reason for Wendy's presence soon became clear as she raised her hands towards him, the cool, refreshing power of her healing magic radiating from them. "You don't have to…" he tried to refuse, only for her to shake her head stubbornly.

"Taking care of the worst of your wounds is the least I can do." Gray sighed and relented, letting her tend to him. Once she was done with him, Wendy moved on to Gajeel before going back inside the hut.

Finding a rock to sit on, Gray settled in to wait. Gajeel took up his own position, leaning against the tree Porlyusica's house was built into. He didn't think Gajeel had anymore intention of leaving before they knew what Juvia's fate would be than he did. He rubbed his hands over his face, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes as he leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. How he wished there was something he could do other than helplessly wait.

Gray didn't want to consider what it would be like if Juvia died. To never see her smile and call him 'Gray-sama' again. To never see her experience something for the first time again. To never spend time with her doing nothing in particular, just enjoying each other's company, again. To never fight side by side with her again, their magics melding together so perfectly. To never find out what it would be like to kiss her, or hold her close to him. Even never being embarrassed or surprised by her antics again…

He felt like he was balanced on the edge of a cliff, only his hope that Juvia would live holding him back from going over and drowning in an unfathomable sea of despair. He'd lost so many people - his parents, Ur, Ultear, his dad _again_… It'd just be too much for him to take if he lost Juvia as well. What more would need to happen to prove that he might as well be cursed, that anyone he got too close to would end up being taken from him? Gray didn't want for that to be proven true. Juvia _had_ to survive. She just _had_ to.

Torn between desperate hope and potential despair, time seemed to crawl as he waited for news of any kind. Even if it was for the worst, at least it would free him from this torturous limbo where he could neither give up hope nor banish the dreadful thoughts of what could happen. The sun rose, and still there was no word as to Juvia's condition.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Porlyusica emerged from her home, immediately capturing the attention of both of the men waiting for news outside her door. Looking unfazed by the weight of their expectant gazes, she simply stated, "Well, we managed to keep those damned particles from doing enough damage to kill her outright before they were burned out of her system. Her life might be put in danger again if complications arise, but for now her chances are good."

The wave of relief that washed over him was almost powerful enough to stagger him. _Juvia was going to be okay._ Now that the worst of the danger was over, he had faith that, between Porlyusica's abilities as a healer and Juvia's own stubbornness, she would make it. "Can we see her?" That came out more eager than he'd intended it to, but keeping his feelings from showing through was rather a lost cause at this point.

After giving the pair in front of her a considering look, Porlyusica nodded. "Only for a few minutes, though! She needs to rest, not to have you fools disturbing her."

Following the elderly healer inside, they passed a worn-out Wendy, curled up and sleeping on a spare bed, as they approached Juvia. While she still looked wan, her pain seemed to have eased, leaving her resting peacefully. Gray and Gajeel each moved to one side of her bed. Reaching down, Gray carefully took her hand in his, twining their fingers together as he lifted it, bending down enough to press his forehead against the back of her hand. Closing his eyes, he spent a few moments just silently taking comfort in the fact that she was still alive and warm. That she was still here, with him.

Setting her hand back down gently, he kept one hand interlaced with hers while he used his free one to brush strands of hair out of her face. Part of him wanted to just pull her into his arms and hold her close, but he knew she shouldn't be moved that much in her condition. On the other side of the bed, Gajeel stood, just looking down at Juvia.

After what felt like too short a time, Porlyusica cleared her throat from behind them. Reluctantly letting go of her hand, Gray ran a hand gently over Juvia's hair before turning away. Once he and Gajeel were facing a frowning Porlyusica, she said, "Before you two leave, there's something I should tell you about her condition."

The back of his neck prickled with unease. "You said she'd probably recover…"

"I told she wasn't likely to die anymore, boy, and I meant it," she replied, her frown deepening. "But that doesn't mean no permanent damage was done. The organs those particles attacked the most are the ones that let people store magical energy." At their blank stares, she sighed and explained further. "She probably won't be able to use even the simplest of magic ever again."

To never be able to use magic again… Gray grimaced. Still, if it was a choice between Juvia losing her life or losing her magic, he'd prefer this outcome by far. "Are you sure?"

"I won't be entirely sure until she wakes up and can't use it anymore, but don't bother getting your hopes up. Now scram, the both of you!"

After being hustled out of there by Porlyusica, Gray and Gajeel started making their way back into the city to finally get some rest. As he walked, Gray's thoughts turned back to Juvia, alive but magicless… He was going to miss working with her on jobs and fighting with her at his side. Yet, guiltily, he was feeling a twisted sort of relief, too. Without any magic, she'd have to stay out dangerous situations like the battles they'd just been through. She could be kept out of harm's way. She couldn't sacrifice herself for him like too many others had if she wasn't involved. She'd lost enough already, after all.

After reaching Magnolia proper, he split off from Gajeel to seek out his own bed. By some miracle, Fairy Woods, Fairy Tail's boys dorm, was still intact enough to be habitable. Falling onto the mattress, too tired to even take his remaining clothes off, Gray was asleep moments after his head hit the pillow.

Over the next few days, as he waited for Juvia to regain consciousness, he kept himself busy helping out with the efforts to repair the destruction Fairy Tail's battle against Tartarus had wrought on Magnolia. Really, what he wanted to do, what he thought he needed to do, was to take a trip back to his old hometown, to pay his respects to his parents and to have time and space to sort his head out. But he couldn't leave yet, not until Juvia woke up at least.

Gray made sure to visit her at least once a day, to check how she was doing. When Porlyusica concluded that Juvia would be coming around shortly, he ended up waiting outside of Porlyusica's cottage again, this time accompanied by both Gajeel and Master Makarov. Once Gramps had been in to see her, it was his turn. After talking her out of stupidly blaming herself for putting his father to rest, he'd held her while she'd cried, taking comfort in the fact that she, at least, was still alive, all warmth and soft curves in his arms.

He started making arrangements for his trip to the northern continent, though he wasn't going to leave until after Juvia was actually up and about again. On the day she was supposed to be released from Porlyusica, Gray got up early to head over there and escort her back to her room in Fairy Hills. Sure, Porlyusica wouldn't have cleared her to go if she didn't think Juvia was up to making the trip, but it wouldn't hurt to have someone go with her, just in case.

Upon arriving at Porlyusica's, he knocked on the door. Thankfully, when it opened, Juvia was the one peering out at him. Porlyusica's brusque demeanor wasn't something he really wanted to deal with first thing tin the morning. Looking a little surprised but smiling happily at him, she stepped out of the door and shut it behind her. "Good morning, Gray-sama!"

"Hey, Juvia. Ready to head home yet?"

At his question, her smile dimmed a little and she looked away, seeming a bit uncertain. "Well… Juvia has decided to stay with Porlyusica-sensei for a while."

Gray blinked at her, raising an eyebrow at how she was addressing the healer. "…Porlyusica-_sensei_?"

She nodded. "Juvia has decided to study medicine with Porlyusica-sensei. That's why she's going to be staying with her."

He frowned. Juvia had never expressed any interest in becoming a healer before, at least not that he knew of. Not that he couldn't picture her healing people, she'd probably be good at it, with her caring nature and all, but… "Isn't this kind of a sudden decision to be making?"

Her mouth turned down into a stubborn frown. "Juvia gave her future a lot of thought while she was recovering. She has decided that this is what she wants to do, now that she… she can't…" She couldn't seem to bring herself to finish the sentence.

Gray immediately wondered if he'd been included in her thoughts about the future, then quickly shoved that thought out his head. Now wasn't the time to be worrying about that. "Still, aren't you kind of rushing into this? You could at least take a longer break before starting your new path." If she pushed herself too hard too soon, she might set back her recovery…

"And what would Juvia be doing on this break, that would keep her from dwelling on what happened?" she asked, the bitter note in her voice somewhat surprising to him. "She'd rather begin something new, that will give her other things to think about."

Looking away, still feeling a little disgruntled, he muttered, "I'm just worried about you, okay?"

She reached out to him, her fingers brushing lightly against the back of his hand, and he looked back to find her giving him a small smile. "Juvia is happy to know that Gray-sama is concerned about her. But she will be fine - Porlyusica-sensei knows her condition and won't ask more of her than she can handle."

Gray sighed. "Alright." He looked down for a moment before meeting her eyes again. "Um, I'm going to be leaving town later today. It'll probably take me a couple of weeks to return."

"Where…" He could see the comprehension dawn in her eyes. "Oh. Are you returning to where you were born…?"

He nodded. "There's stuff I need to do there."

"Juvia understands," she replied with a nod of her own, and he was glad he wouldn't have to explain further.

It seemed liked they'd covered everything they needed to cover, but he remained standing in front of her, hesitant to turn away from her. Part of him was reluctant to leave her behind. But she wasn't in any shape to take such a long trip, and he'd put off going long enough.

Reaching out to tuck a stray lock of hair behind her ear, he told her, "I'll see you when I get back, okay?"

"Okay." She gave him a sweet smile that made it even harder to leave her. "Could you please let the Master know about Juvia's decision?"

"Yeah, I will." And with that Gray finally willed himself to turn away from her and depart.

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Thank you to everyone who's reviewed, followed, or favorited this story so far. :^) Please review and let me know what you thought of this chapter.


	4. Chapter 4

**How to Continue Living**  
**Chapter 4**  
by Contrail

**Disclaimer:** Fairy Tail belongs to Hiro Mashima, and is being used without permission. No profit is being made from this story.

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Porlyusica started Juvia's training by having her read and memorize chosen sections from a number of thick tomes. They covered subjects like anatomy, symptoms and treatments for common ailments, and the properties and uses of herbs and other medicinal ingredients. Her new teacher quizzed her periodically on what she was studying. It was a lot to try to remember, but at least it gave her something to focus on.

Juvia didn't get as many visitors as she had when she'd first woken up, but someone from the guild generally dropped by every couple of days to see if she needed anything or just to give her some company that wasn't her irritable teacher for a little while. She was glad that the visits were still fairly frequent, though, after she'd asked for some of the coat dresses she used to wear when going on jobs to be brought for her to use, only to find them too warm to wear in the late summer heat. Juvia hadn't had to worry about being too warmly dressed since she'd discovered how to use her Water Body magic to keep herself cool if needed, but now… It'd hurt to have give those clothes back and ask for some lighter dresses instead.

That wasn't the only reminder of what she could no longer do. She still like being around water, she hadn't lost her sense of kinship with it, but it was much more bittersweet now. At times she would catch herself unthinkingly trying to manipulate the water around herself while taking a bath, and her heart would ache at her inability to do what had once been simple tricks she'd barely had to think about.

The first time it had rained after she lost her magic, she'd found herself bursting into tears, much to Porlyusica's annoyance. As much as she'd hated being plagued by rain in the past, it still hurt to realize that no matter what happened to her, no matter how happy or sad she was, she'd never be the cause of rain again.

Gray returned to Magnolia a couple of weeks after he'd left to visit his hometown, and had soon come to see Juvia.

Juvia moved to hug him, and was surprised but pleased when he let her do so for a short time before pulling away. "Did your trip help, Gray-sama?"

He nodded. "I've decided on the path I'll take from now on." Meeting her eyes with a serious look on his face, Gray continued, "Before my dad died, he gave me a task - to destroy E.N.D., the strongest demon Zeref created. I'll be training to get stronger, and trying to gather more information about E.N.D.."

She nodded, equally serious. "Will you be taking this on alone? Juvia knows that Natsu-san has left the guild entirely to do his own training…" Lucy had told her about Natsu disappearing, leaving only a short note behind to explain his absence.

Gray shook his head. "I think continuing to go on jobs will help me hone my abilities more, as long as I pick the right types to go on. I've asked Erza for her help in this - I'll be able to taken on tougher jobs when working with her than I could alone, and I may be able to get information from Jellal through her."

"Juvia wishes she could help as well," she told him with a sigh, looking down towards the ground.

She looked up again when he placed his hands on her shoulders, catching her gaze with his. "Just keep working on learning what you can from Porlyusica. Knowing that you're here, safe and sound, puts my mind at ease."

As he took his leave, he told her he'd try to visit her whenever he wasn't out on missions.

Shortly after Gray's return to Magnolia, the rebuilding of the guild was finished. To celebrate the completion of the repairs, and to help everyone rest and recover from everything the fight with Tartarus had put them through, Master Makarov arranged a weekend vacation in Akane for the entire guild. Juvia was included in the trip, of course.

Everyone appeared to be in good spirits during the train ride to the coast. Juvia shared in the good mood of her guild mates until the morning of the first day of their stay. As the collected members of the guild reached the beach and approached the ocean, she felt her heart sinking with every step she took towards the waves.

Turning away from the water, she found a beach umbrella to set her bag underneath. Taking out a beach towel and spreading it out over the sand, she sat down on it and wrapped her arms around her knees, hugging them to her chest. Watching the waves come into shore made her heart ache. Once, she could command the strength of the ocean, but now… Juvia was too caught up in her own thoughts to notice someone else's presence until Lucy had already spread out her own towel next to hers.

Joining her in sitting on the beach, Lucy asked, "Are you alright?"

Resting her head on top of her knees, she muttered, "Juvia is okay."

Raising an eyebrow at her, Lucy replied, "You don't _look_ like you're okay." Juvia said nothing, just continued to stare out at the water. After a moment Lucy sighed and reached out to put a hand on Juvia's shoulder. "You don't have to pretend you're over what happened already. I can't say I know exactly what you're going through, but none of us in the guild are strangers to loss." Joining Juvia in looking out towards the ocean, Lucy sighed again. "This view reminds me of something I lost, too."

Glancing towards Lucy with furrowed brows, Juvia asked, "What…? Why?"

Still watching the waves, Lucy took a deep breath before starting to explain. "You remember when everyone got sucked into the walls of Tartarus' headquarters, don't you?" When Juvia nodded, she continued, "Well, I was the only member of Fairy Tail that didn't get trapped. I'm not sure if it was because I'm a Celestial Spirit Mage or if it was just dumb luck. I ended up having to fend off two of the Demon Gates while trying to find a way to free everyone. I was in desperate straits… desperate enough to do something drastic."

Reaching into the bag she'd set down beside her, Lucy pulled out something Juvia couldn't quite see. "Aquarius told me I could summon the most powerful Celestial Spirit, the Celestial Spirit King… if I sacrificed one of my Golden Keys. That was something I had no wish to do, of course… But there was no other choice. So… I broke Aquarius' key." Opening her hand, Lucy revealed the broken top half of Aquarius' key to Juvia.

Looking at her with wide, sympathetic eyes, Juvia breathed out, "Lucy…"

Lucy kept her focus on the broken key she held. "Aquarius never liked me much, but… she was the first spirit I ever made a contract with. For a long time, she was the only friend I had. And now I'll probably never see her again." Looking up at Juvia, she continued, "I haven't told anyone else about this. I didn't want them to feel guilty about what I had to do to save them."

Scooting closer to Lucy, Juvia wrapped an arm around Lucy's shoulders. "Thank you for trusting Juvia with this. She only met Aquarius-san a few times, but Juvia'll miss her, too."

Lucy leaned into Juvia's hold, wrapping one of her arms around Juvia's back. They sat there like that for several long moments before she slowly began to speak again. "Where Juvia's Magic was inside her before, now she just feels… empty. She's slowly getting used to feeling that way, but still… And it hurts to be reminded of what she can't do anymore."

"Oh, Juvia…" Lucy pulled her into a full embrace, and Juvia wrapped her arms around her in return, tears beginning to run down her face. When she heard Lucy sniffle and felt a wet drop hit one of her shoulders, she realized that Lucy was crying, too. She wasn't sure how long they sat there holding each other, taking comfort in the other's presence as they both mourned painful losses.

Eventually they pulled away, wiping their tear streaked faces with their hands. A small smile came to Juvia's lips as she said, "You know, Aquarius-san wouldn't want you to be sitting here moping over her absence."

Lucy turned to look at her with a raised eyebrow. "Oh?"

Juvia nodded, her smile growing. "After all, Lucy will never get a boyfriend this way."

Letting out a startled laugh, Lucy nodded. "Yeah, you're right." Standing up and stretching, she continued, "I think I'll take a dip. You coming?"

Her expression faltered for a moment at the suggestion of going swimming, before she smoothed it out as she replied, "Ah, Juvia thinks she'll stay here for a little longer if you don't mind." Seeing Lucy giving her another concerned look, she flashed her a genuine smile. "Juvia's feeling much better now. So, thank you."

After a moment, Lucy nodded. "Alright, but you better not spend all day over here, or I'll make you have fun by force if I need to."

Juvia watched with a smile as Lucy ran off towards the water. Looking around the beach, she saw her other guild mates having fun in scattered groups. Gajeel seemed to be teasing Levy about something while Jet and Droy were pouting nearby. It was good to see that he appeared to be shaking off the funk he'd been in after the dragon's departure. Laki and Kinana were sunbathing together, and Max and Warren had joined some other guys from the guild to play volleyball.

Mirajane and Lisanna were sunbathing as well, and Elfman and Evergreen were bickering nearby. Bickslow was standing near them as well, looking on with amusement. Erza and Wendy looked like they were having fun playing together in the water, while Charle hovered near them. Looking towards Lucy again, she saw Gray walk up to her and start talking. Frowning a little, she wondered what they were talking about. As she watched, Lucy pointed in her direction, then Gray nodded and started walking towards her.

Juvia was a bit surprised when he took a seat right next to her on the towel, his arm almost brushing against hers. The close proximity made her heart beat faster and brought a tinge of pink to her cheeks. "Lucy said you weren't feeling well earlier, so I thought I'd come check up on you."

"Oh." She felt a little guilty about the suspicious looks she'd given them earlier. "Juvia was feeling down earlier, but she talked with Lucy and she's feeling much better now."

"But you're still staying here instead of going in the water," he commented mildly.

"Um, well…" He watched her as she twisted her hands in her lap, eventually confessing in a quiet voice, "Juvia's scared."

Gray's eyebrows furrowed. "Of going in the water? Why?"

"Juvia knows better than anyone how dangerous water can be. And… when she learned to swim, she was already learning her magic, so she's never…"

"You've never been swimming without your magic to help you out, huh?" Juvia answered Gray with a nod, feeling a bit embarrassed about fearing something she'd once done with ease and joy. "Well, I guess I'll just have to show you there's nothing to fear."

She looked up at him with confusion written all over her face as he stood up and offered his hand to her. "What do you mean?"

"The best way for you to get over this is to swim and prove to yourself that there's nothing to fear. And I'll be right there with you just in case, okay?"

After hesitating for a long moment, Juvia took his hand and let him pull her to her feet. "Okay."

Gray gave her a smile before leading the way to the ocean, her hand still in his. Juvia could feel herself tensing up more and more as the water rose higher around them. Once it was up to their chests, he gave her hand a small squeeze before letting go. Looking determinedly into her eyes, he told her, "I won't let anything happen to you."

Nodding, she took a deep, calming breath before moving a little way away from him and launching herself through the water. At first her movements were a bit stiff, but as time passed and nothing went wrong she began to relax more and she stroked smoothly through the water. When she surfaced there was a small smile on her face. Gray had surfaced nearby as well and he, too, was smiling. "See? You did just fine. Nothing to be scared of."

Juvia moved closer to him. "Juvia appreciates Gray-sama's help. Without it she might not have had the courage to try."

He looked away as she praised him, seeming a little embarrassed. "Well, that's what friends are for, right?" Looking back at her, he asked, "Want to keep going?"

She answered with a nod, and they swam around for a while longer. Eventually Gray got a mischievous expression on his face and sent a wave of water in her direction, starting a splash fight that left them laughing with no clear victor.

After they joined the rest of their guild mates for lunch and reapplied sunblock lotion, Gray looked around the beach and said, "Hey, I have an idea. Why don't we build a sand castle together?"

A wide smile crossing her face, she told him, "Juvia would love to!" Wandering far enough down the beach that their work wouldn't risk being run over by their guild mates, they began work on an elaborate creation with many towers and arches. They worked well together, with Gray providing the overall vision and Juvia suggesting details, like adding wave and snowflake patterns as decoration. It wasn't until the sun was setting that they finished and looked on their creation with pride.

After they dusted as much sand off of their bodies as possible, they began to make their way back to the hotel. Juvia wasn't paying enough attention to where she was walking, and her foot caught on a piece of driftwood. Falling forward with a muffled exclamation of surprise, she felt Gray's strong arms wrap around her as he turned and tried to catch her, only to be unable to keep his footing in the shifting sand and fall backwards himself.

Gray landed on his back with an 'oof' and Juvia ended up sprawled across him. As she raised herself onto her elbows, she found herself looking down at Gray, their chests pressed together and her thighs straddling his hips, with nothing but the thin cloth of their swimsuits between them. Her heart was beating wildly in her chest and her mind was blank of anything other than the intimacy of their position and the feeling of his body pressing against hers.

Their eyes remained locked for a long moment, then his eyes flickered down to her lips briefly and Juvia could feel part of him growing harder beneath her. Eyes widening as she realized what she was feeling, she quickly scrambled off of him, her cheeks blazing with warmth. "Juvia's so sorry…!" she exclaimed, looking everywhere but at Gray as he got to his feet.

A quick glance at him confirmed that he looked as red as she felt. "It's fine, it was an accident…" Gray waved off her apology. "Let's just get back to the hotel." The rest of the walk was spent in embarrassed silence.

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Thank you to everyone who reviewed, followed, and/or favorited the previous chapter! :^)


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